If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
