Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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