i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
ttyl tear gas
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
