My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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