I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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