Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
