yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
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Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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