my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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