Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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Did I show you my penis last night?
My ATM looks so different sober.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
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Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize