You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
