He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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