I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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