thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
