Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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