It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
