i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
