i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
