nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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