that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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