I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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