Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
