Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
