Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Four minutes until I can fart!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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