Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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