I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
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Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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