How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
