:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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