If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
