what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
