I have demons in me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
smell my finger.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
