Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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