if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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