When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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