i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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