The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When are your genitals available?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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