I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
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Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
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I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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