Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
