threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
