If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Bring me that man meat
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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