It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
