How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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