When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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