i permit you to call me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
now i know why i became what i already was.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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