i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
