I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Are these your boobs on my camera?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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