you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
