as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
