When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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