I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
