hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
