Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
