ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
