dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
