the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
