This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
